4 months later...

God, I haven't updated in like forever. The school wont lemme get on to this site. It's blocked... so It's so hard to update. I don't even really wanna update on here 'cause they might be able to read my shit and I really don't want that. x_x Heh, I might fuck up and say something I don't want everyone else to hear.

Lets see.. Well in February I went to a psycho hospital. It was in Saginaw. It sucked so bad. I was in there for a week 'cause I said I wanted to kill someone.. I didn't mean it. I think I was just angry. I don't really know what was going through my head. I don't know what goes through my head anymore.

Lee doesn't goto my school anymore. I don't know where he is. I'm so sad, I loved Lee so much.

I've been so depressed lately. It's like I don't even know how or what to feel. I don't know if I'm lying to myself. It feels as though I am playing a role.. a role like I'm in someone elses body. Like I'm not me. I'm afriad to think certain things and I'm afraid not to have a certain emotion. Sheldon and Johnathan are breaking up. It's almost like I'm numb about it. I'm so scared. I still to this day cry thinking about my mom and dad's divorce. I want them back together so bad. Both of my parents went totally down hill after the divorce. I just don't want that to happen with Johnathan and Sheldon. But of course they are both more mentally stable than my parents were... well atleast Sheldon is. I know I should feel really sad about it... and I do but, I just can't bring myself to show it. I feel so numb. I can't show any emotion. It's like everyday gets worse and worse and I don't know how to handle things anymore. I just want to be a child again... where I had such a simple mind. I wish my thoughts and emotions were'nt so complexed, you know? I would give anything in this god damn world to keep Sheldon and Johnathan together. I went through my whole life seeing my parents unhappy, they argued, they screamed, they just were'nt happy. I thought sheldon and Johnthan were sorta perfect. It kind of was like when I came here (despite being scared shitless) it was a different world. I didn't know people could get along that well. I never knew it. I felt so happy here... escpecially when Tonya left. It was the home I always wanted for myself. Now, everything has fallen apart. It crumbled. It took me so long to get used to here because I was scared of how things were and how things were going to turn out. Of course, like always everything went to hell. I'm so numb about it. I just want to feel something. I can't feel happy anymore... for the last couple of months I have felt like shit. Certain days I feel like I'm on top of this god damn world and other, I feel like I'm a piece of worthless shit on the mother fucking ground. I'm tired of it. I just wish I was happy.

Later..

It's been a while..

Damn it's been so long since I've updated. Well.... we got two new foster kids. Chelsea and Jon. I HATE them. They might be getting adopted... well at least Jon wants to. To makes me so fucking mad.  Jon's number one and shit like that. I fucking hate them!  It's so depressing.

Jacob's been a bitch the last couple months. A whole bunch of workers came a couple weeks ago and they were talking to him. It's so stupid. It's useless. Y'know? Sheldon threatened to kick me out like 50 billion times the last couple months. I got detention for saying to  Mr. Dewley "Are you gonna fucking answer me?". Heh. Sheldon was pissed and gave me 3 days of "early bedtime"  It pisses me off. He treats me like I'm a kid. I can't stay up on weekends after they goto bed, stay home alone, go to friends houses alot... He says it's because he doesn't trust me. What the fuck!? Just because I'm not a snitch on everyone. Whatever. I don't like to be a snitch. If he was 17 in a house full of teenagers he wouldn't snitch on people, either. It makes me so angry. He also says I'm not responsible. Okay... How can I show responsibility?! What the hell... I can't do shit so how can I show him?! I have a kitten in my room, right, and he never asks to ask me if I changed the litter box, gave it water or food... that's responsible, right?! I clean the kitchen on weekends without being asked, don't let Justin beat the shit out of Jon and when I hang out with my friends they say be back by a certain time and I'm ALWAYS back early. How else can I show responsibility?! It makes me feel so helpless. I don't know what else to do!

I'm so depressed. I want to die. Please kill me. Blah!

I get to go bowling during school today. Yay, huh? It's better than sitting here, though. Two week Christmas break... I don't want it. Today is the last day... I hope I get cool presents though. Heh heh.

Justin got kicked out. He lives with Lee now. Yay. He's so happy. Lee also goes to my school now. It's nice. Oh well... I gotta go. Blah.. Next hour is bowling... Whee~~

Peace out. 

Yay~~~

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God damn...

We got internet... Yay~~

Damnit! People piss me off. We got new foster kids over the damn summer and now Lee, one of them, got kicked out. I really liked him. He's gone. And Sheldon tries to pertect Jacob, whom he faught with, and basically just shits all over Lee. Now he's gone. I'm so fucking pissed/hurt. I can't believe he's gone. It's wierd. I miss 'em already. I won't see him much anymore. His brother, Justin, is still here. Everyone hates him and wants him gone. Why couldn't he leave too. DAMN. Everyone and everything pisses me off. I fucking wanna shoot someone in the god damn face. For real. I seriously want Lee to come back. I want Justin to leave. They got caught smoking weed and Sheldon bitched at Lee the most when Justin and Jacob were the ones laughing about it and continue to huff.... Lee just gets shit on. Damn... I just need to get over everything.

For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.
Friedrich Nietzsche
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